Deafening noise. That’s what I experienced when I first set out to practice silence. There was nowhere I could escape to. The din was in my head.
Practicing silence or mindfulness in life, initially, can indeed get maddeningly noisy. It tears apart and rips all that you are not, to shreds; it tosses you around in the darkness, mocks at who you think you are by showing you all the stories you have told yourself, about yourself.
It brings you face to face with your deepest fears. You do not recognize yourself anymore. You see everything that you once held dear, walk out on you – the labels you labelled yourself with, your assumptions of who you thought you were, other’s assumptions of who they thought you are… Silence takes away everything from you, till you feel have nothing and you are nothing.
What you considered to be your reality becomes questionable. For the first time you see how often for this ‘reality’, you prostituted your own soul to earn that living that you did not believe in, compromised your integrity that you may be accepted by the crowd you sought to follow…
Oh yes, it all did bother you. There were nudges from within, but you brushed them aside, albeit guiltily. Now, when you finally decide to listen to the silence, you hear all the voices clamouring, simultaneously, for your attention…
Voices that you first allowed into the seat of your soul, to give you company, because, you felt you were all alone. And you fear loneliness.
You forgot that you cannot have company in your soul.
You cannot have other people present their voices in your soul.
As the voices entered, the boundaries between them and your soul blurred and vanished. The voices became the masters and drowned your soul with their fears, threatenings and judgements. They began to guide (or misguide?) your life. Now, the silence, the mindfulness, the meditation terrifies them. They fear that if you listen to the silence, their screams will be silenced. Then, your soul will regain the stamina to make itself, and Only itself heard.
Hence, they scream in panic, inject you with their fears, threaten you, so that you may continue with your unaware, mechanical, comfort-zone existence. The voices fear that they may cease to exist and so does your ego. For, identities cease to exist in spiritual silence.
However, amidst the clamour, if you steadfastly allow yourself to honour what is arising at this moment and experience all the unresolved feelings the voices bring up, to the fullest – worthlessness, pain, vulnerability, weakness, frustration, terror, anger, loneliness, helplessness – it suddenly dawns on you, that it was you who was judging the voices all this while.
In fact, you were so busy judging them, that you never understood them. It was you, all along, who crafted the stories, believed the stories to be true and then projected those stories onto them – the voices. This awareness opens the door for compassion to enter.
Then, just as shadows disappear when the light shines, the voices too melt away. Only nothingness remains. From this nothingness, the voice of your soul pierces through, calling out to you, speaking in the language you never allowed yourself to hear for so long – Silence. An indescribable peace and oneness envelopes you…
– ANUJA PATHAK
© Anuja Pathak and www.breakthroughholistictherapy.com, 2015.
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